“So the war escalated. I mean we never took it personally. It started as trading practical jokes, and that’s how it remains. There’s nothing vindictive in it, I assure you.

“When Roger duct taped my dorm room door shut sophomore year, that was the opening salvo. I retaliated six weeks later by Saran Wrapping everything he owned. He duct taped my closet door shut start of my junior year…it wasn’t until I was ripping off the last large swath of tape when I heard the buzzing.

“I managed to make it out of the room with only thirty-six stings. I took some small comfort in the fact that if I had hit forty, Roger would have won the pool he put together.

“So the story’s gone on. For the past ten years we’ve really worked at it. From angry badgers in cars to gunpowder booby traps to the rather ingenious locked port-o-potty versus the steamroller incident last fall. No, I mean it. That was a good one, Roger. If I hadn’t dumped the thing over and gotten it to roll at the last minute, you would have had me.

“I hope you appreciate the money it cost to rent Stefan. I’m just sorry I won’t be there to see your face when you meet him in your study. Thank God for webcams.”